Larriera was with de Mello when the bombing happened in Baghdad in 2003

Carolina Larriera is a survivor of the bombing of the United Nations compound in Baghdad which left 22 people dead, including her partner, Siergo Vieira de Mello, a widely respected diplomat and the UN's special representative in Baghdad at the time of the attack.

Now living in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, she spoke to Gabriel Elizondo about the events of that day, her life after the tragedy and how she copes with her loss five years on.

"August 19th, 2003 was business as usual. We used to leave our home at 8 am, in Canal Hotel, each one to our respective duties, myself going into downtown Baghdad to meet civil society groups, Sergio was throwing himself into back-to-back meetings, many times receiving delegations for one-day "comprehensive assessment missions".

But that day, Sergio and I had observed that the office had been quieter than usual. Many of the staff had been taking some time off from Iraq to rest. 

I was the only one to effectively lose a spouse and be at the bombing at the same time. 

The fact that I was sitting next to the main structural beam that held the building together and away from the window saved my life, as the roof did not collapse on top of me and the grill of the window smashed next to me, but not on me. 

But the four or five hours of being conscious amid my dead colleagues and rushing to find Sergio and get him out took me years to recover from. 

Fateful meeting

Sergio and I met while working in East Timor where he was the UN representative and I was managing a World Bank micro-credit project for poor entrepreneurs.

He relished saying that while we had both worked in NY in the same building for years, we both had to come to East Timor to find one another. 

We started to live together shortly afterwards, and were engaged to marry in 2003. 

We were together in Geneva when he was called for a four-month mission to Iraq. I was not going to let him go alone. 

Because of my experience in post-conflict and nation-building, I went to Baghdad as an economics officer to kick-start micro-credit projects for improving the livelihoods of Iraqi women.

[When we left East Timor] at the airport, the one person who was sobbing loudly and uncontrollably was not an old friend from past UN missions, but Mr Amaral, Sergio's driver.

Amaral is a Timorese man and father-of-six who joined Sergio early in 2000.

At the same time, even after leaving East Timor and taking up other roles, as that in Iraq, the Timorese leadership would email or call him to discuss issues pertaining to the nascent country.

Facing challenges

Sergio strived for achieving a deeper understanding, not only of the political climate, but most importantly of the people who were the actors or the target of his work.

In Baghdad, he told the Iraqis he only wanted to listen to them, to their grievances, their fears, needs, demands, and help him understand and get to the essence of the issues to be able to be of help. 

The challenge in his hands was to devolve those powers entrusted to him by the Security Council firstly, rapidly, yet in sustainable way, to balance the need for quick and visible results, while building solid institutions. 

Most importantly, he used to tell me that the key was to be respected [and] not to overstay our welcome ... any delays incurred by the UN in exiting the nation would trigger memories of a never-ending and weak compromise.

Seeking answers

I am still recovering from [the attack]. I had post-traumatic stress syndrome.

There has not been an independent, systematic, serious, international investigation that has, to date, shed light into the events of August 19. 

The investigation that was done in 2003 was rushed and did not answer all questions. For instance, it neglects to mention the three hours Sergio was left under the rubble. 

Last June Leandro Despouy, special rapporteur to the independence of the judiciary system, called for the creation of a special commission made up of international personalities to lead this investigation. 

It has had the support of Brazil and other governments. I am confident that one such commission could effectively shed some light into the events of that day."